I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
