She's like a pop up book from hell.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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