She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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