Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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