its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
