Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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