i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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