You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
