As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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