I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
