remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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