My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
