So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize