Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
nutella sex= disaster
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
