When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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