Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
