this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
