i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
