you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
