my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
