I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
