I'm lost and stupid without you.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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