He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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