please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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