I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
