I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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