so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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