tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
