My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
