OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
