I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
