dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize