Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
