marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
