She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
