I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
