I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize