am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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