When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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