Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
