i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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