Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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