I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
