What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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