Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
