Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
