I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
