Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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