her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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