He uses pillows to masturbate.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
