ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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