Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
