Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
