Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
