how can u be prego again
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
