non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
