The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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